The Voice for a Bad Monday: Cheeky, Tender or Dangerously Calm?

Monday arrives like an unpaid bill with excellent posture. By ten in the morning you have already apologised to a printer, and by lunch something small and personal has gone wrong. This is not a day for a challenging vintage. This is a day for a considered prescription, and fortunately I am rather good at those.

If you are merely irritated, I recommend the cheeky voice. It has a lift at the end of every sentence, like a raised eyebrow you can hear. It does not fix your Monday, but it makes you feel as though you are in on a joke the Monday did not get. Cheek is underrated medicine. A little goes a long way and you will not need a second glass.

If you are merely irritated, I recommend the cheeky voice.

If you are properly bruised, reach for the tender one. Lower, warmer, in no hurry to rescue you from your feelings. It sounds like someone setting a blanket over your shoulders without making a speech about it. I would pair this with an early dinner and the rare courage to do absolutely nothing afterwards, which is a luxury I recommend without reservation.

And then there is the dangerously calm voice, my private favourite for the day when everything has gone sideways. It never raises its volume. It simply sounds certain, the way a good waiter sounds when a table is about to be handled. There is a faint threat of charm in it, which is the best sort. You will feel steadier without quite knowing why.

Not sure which Monday you are having? Honestly, nor are most people. Listen to a few on TheFriend, where short romance dramas like He Fixed More Than the Computer might suit a rattled mood rather well. Choose by instinct, not logic. Your instinct has been right about wine, and it is almost never wrong about voices.